June 16, 2015
1 A.M. Thought.
Well, it's about 1 A.M. in the morning. What am I doing up this late? My parents would kill me if they found out, but whatever.
I have been feeling sad these past few days. Maybe even weeks. It is an unidentified sort of sadness. Like, a weird hollowness that bores your heart, out of nowhere, out of no particular reason. It does not come with a warning, it does not leave right away when you ask it to do so, and I do not like it. No, I hate it. I hate how I cannot control it like other emotions. I hate how I cannot tame it when I claim to be so good at self-control. I hate how it is messing with me, or rather, my idea of life.
It mostly comes at night. When the sheer darkness blinds my eyes and the loud silence deafens my ears (ooh, poetic, am I now?). But it also comes in waves during the day with tints of emotionally wrecking topics or songs being the triggers. I am not a vulnerable person. I do not want to be one. I hate how I am one.
This is not a heartbreak. This is not that kind of sadness you get after watching dramas on your laptop at midnight, not that kind of sadness you get while listening to break-up songs that remind you of things you have been trying hard to forget. No. It is somewhat... melancholic. Sad how the word is overused by angsty teenagers. And I do realize that I am being one right now, but I am pretty sure I am not using the word nonchalantly. I suppose, I am having a better understanding of the word. I shall be proud.
You know how people say crying will make you feel better? It is true. And I crave for that ephemeral relief you get from crying right now, but I cannot bring myself to do that because I feel like it is not worth it. I refuse to cry for nothing. I refuse to cry for this strange emotion I still cannot quite put my finger on just yet. Sure, I cry a lot, I am an extremely sensitive person when it comes to moving movies or stories. But this. Not this. It is a shame to cry over this. Or it is just me who feels that having even the slightest emotion for real life situation is stupid?
I used to think of people who go to sleep just to forget a problem as pathetic. I used to believe that when you have a problem, you have to face it head-on, no backing down. Gosh, I was so idealistic back then, so naive. If my friends read this, they will say, "I told you so," because I was that person who thought of the world in her own plain view, so hardheaded when challenged, thinking she was just being realistic for always taking her impossibly simple and unemotional stance. Too simple. Way too simple that mindset, now that I think about it. But heck, I would love to go back to being that person. I still am, in a way, despite the constant shift.
I hope I can reach out to someone who can relate to this and talk about it. Real, deep talk. Cause maybe it is the loneliness that is the core of my seemingly problematic emotion. Maybe it is that certain thing I would hate to admit. Maybe it is nothing at all. I do not wanna know for now.
Good night. Good morning. Whichever you like.